Snape's Scoop
by Mackenzie Thea
Summary: Cursed! Magazine does a spread on Snape, now a famous punk-electronica musician. Its a short, stupid fic, but it made my sister laugh.


DISCLAIMER: Although I made up Tania Manic and Cursed! Magazine, Severus, McGonagall, Harry Potter, the Weird Sisters (although the latter is clearly a Shakespearian reference) are all of J.K. Rowling's imagination and copyright, and Cher is, well, she's Cher. I don't claim ownership to any of it, nor do I think that Snape is going to end up becoming a recording artist. But if he does, you heard it in Cursed! first!  
  
Snape's Temptation, Inner Torment and Terrifying Truths as told to Tania Manic ---------------- "I try to steer away from negativity," Says Severus Snape, sole member of the punk-electronica band Snape earlier this week when Cursed! magazine got cozy with the former Potions master. "There's so much negativity in the world already!" Ever since the hit album Potions Manifesto was released over 14 months ago, scoring the savant musician critical acclaim and super- stardom there "hasn't been a dull moment" in this once trodden upon man's life. As Snape is just about to finish up his current musical project, Blackened Cauldron; Blackened Soul, Cursed! Reporter Tania Manic got a little one-on-one time with Severus, and heres what he had to say.  
  
TM: What should your audience expect from BCBS?  
  
SS: Well, knowing the dull wit of most of the driveling idiots who call themselves my fans after my debut, I'd say they should expect to be blown away by my limitless vocal styling and to watch for a secret acapella track at the end.  
  
TM: That's awesome! We've heard that you've collaborated with some big- named musicians on this project, care to name a few?  
  
SS: Well, the Weird Sisters helped me in the studio producing the song "Angry Outcast", fans of the band will recognize a guest appearance by Mangled Broomstick on the 7th track entitled "Celebrity Student Smart-ass." Also P. Diddy and Beyonce make a speacial appearance as back-up on the title track. Oh, and Dido helped out a bit with harmonies on the track "Shoulda Woulda Coulda Ben Headmasta." But, I don't mean to brag. I've been very blessed with this wonderful crop of idiots my studio forced me to - what word did you use? - "collaborate" with? More like babysit.  
  
TM: In the past you talked about setting goals and how important it is on working on a musical project.  
  
SS: Yes, that's the most important part. My whole philosophy in life revolves around setting goals. That and poisoning the water supply of small villages where my critics live. (At this Manic laughs hysterically, but Snape doesn't move until she finishes and then only to continue, non- chalantly.) My life is run like a classroom, everything is done orderly and turned in on time for approval, and if no approval is found there is murder.  
  
TM: Like... a classroom?  
  
SS: Just like a classroom.  
  
TM: No student has ever tried to kill you, have they?  
  
SS: No, but believe you me it would've merited some respect if one of those spineless dunderheads had. Anyways, back to the album?  
  
TM: First, lets talk a little about your love life.  
  
SS: My what?  
  
TM: Your love life! You, Severus Snape, have been romantically linked to all three band mates of the Weird Sisters, ex-colleague Minerva McGonagall, Cher, and several prominent male members of the Ministry of Magic. Are any of these true Severus?  
  
SS: (laughs) The Weird Sisters? I was taking my NEWTs when they were in diapers! Professor McGonagall? No, we had a work relationship, and something that despite us might have resembled a friendship, and as for Cher... I just walked her home after a concert; I swear that's all. I wont even address the last allegation. The truth is I've only ever really loved once, and I've only ever sort of lost my heart just once, and I will never do it again. But I do know what that feels like, and I channel it into my work - as seen in the upcoming single "Empty Promise, Empty Heart, Empty Bottle." Of which I was referring to an empty POTIONS BOTTLE, and not a bottle containing alcohol, as was previously assumed.  
  
TM: That's so incredible. Lets move onto the world of movies. How do you feel about Alan Rickman's portrayal of you in the blockbuster "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone"?  
  
SS: Actually, I appreciated their faint attempt at understanding the depths of my character, exhibited by their hiring a classically trained actor. I wasn't very impressed with what I saw of Alan Rickman (the chap they cast) when I watched him in "Die Hard" and "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves", but when we got together and had lunch he turned out to be a fine fellow indeed. I took one look at him and said, "This is the person they think looks like me?" and he said "They were going to cast Brad Pitt, but he had work elsewhere already." Once he explained whom this Pitt fellow was I thought it was very funny. He's a good man, Alan. Once he gained my trust, I let him into my confidence of some of my darkest secrets. I think its helped his portrayal a bit.  
  
TM: How exactly did he earn your trust?  
  
SS: If you are foolish enough to ask then you'll never be able to.  
  
TM: Are there any movies on your horizon?  
  
SS: I've had several ideas for screenplays, the most promising of which I've been working on developing into a psychological thriller. Its about a Potions Master whose students are all plotting his demise, and its ends with a showdown in a dark dungeon, just the one professor and his wand against these mindless drones who are coming at him from every direction. Its symbolic for how teachers of truly brilliant courses are often flanked at all sides by the stupidity of their charges. There's this one scene in particular that's stuck home to me, its the climatic scene when the professor faces the leader of the insurrection, a pint-sized celebrity who respects no sort of authority whatsoever. I've seen his type in real life, the kind who would drown on their own drooling idiocy if you hung them upside down.  
  
TM: Right, well, I guess we can all relate to that. Tells us about yourself, something that no one knows.  
  
SS: What arrogance, to think you could understand the intricacies of me. But as for the request of something that no one else knows, all my years at Hogwarts I harbored a desire to be Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  
  
TM: Really?  
  
SS: Its true.  
  
TM: And why is that exactly?  
  
SS: (He pauses with dangerous reflection, and when he speaks he sounds somewhat hurt) Why, to teach the young how to properly protect themselves of course. Are nearly through?  
  
TM: Just one more question! People say that you are a dark person, some even claim ill will on your behalf toward certain heroes in the wizarding world, and can you take this time to make a statement about that?  
  
SS: All that I have to say about that is... cursed are those who keeps their eyes closed and are inattentive to developments in the world around them, those who skate by on infamy and regard by person and status, for theirs is the kingdom of death and I can assure that they'll see the castle open up to welcome them very soon unless they change their ways. (Manic looks very uncomfortable)  
  
TM: Aw! Always kidding, Severus! Thank you for your time!  
  
SS: You're welcome, if not worthy. Good-bye, good day, and to my fans, good luck!  
  
TM: In what?  
  
SS: The chase.  
  
TM: What chase?  
  
SS: Oh, you'll find out soon enough. In any case, remember, Blackened Cauldron, June 4th! 


End file.
